episodes

td check: 11:34 pm, march 1

i haven't been posting lately coz we just got back from new york a couple of days ago. yes, the city that never sleeps. we were there for the past whole week, and stayed at my aunt sonia's apartment, which has a good breath-taking view of the central park. it's an experience that i could never forget, like a dream come true.

but it's not about the big apple that my words and emotions would like to ponder on now. it's just this sucky feeling that anyone could possibly have when they leave a place they've stayed in for almost the rest of their lives.

homesickness.

i've been here in new jersey for almost a month already, and this sickness is probably the big reason why i'm not enjoying my life here right now. this thing's pulling me down to a very emotional low, and i just couldn't take it. it's like pushing a big boulder uphill.

everytime i wake up, i wish that i am in my own bed, in my own room, back there in the philippines. but no. i have to face this. i have to battle with my lows just to lift myself up and feel good again.

and i don't think i'd win.

the thermometer is hitting a few notches below zero, and my whole environment is again covered with snow. this cold weather makes me even more sentimental, and makes me remind of some lines that keep on playing in my head.

in my room, while reading the alchemist
dad: homesick ka na ba?
me: medyo... schoolsick na rin.
dad: magiging okay ka rin. makakabalik ka naman eh.
me: yeah, i hope so.

yup, it doesn't feel great to have to stop schooling when you already have the drive to work so hard for it. being away from the campus without carrying a diploma with you is like leaving an unfinished task. it's like running towards the finish line and you fall on the ground before reaching it.

in the dining area, having dinner with the family
mom: mae, tell us what you felt when you left the philippines.
mae: okay lang naman, bata pa naman ako nun eh. si kuya brett talaga yung nabigla.
mom: ito ngang si jason, ayaw talaga umalis nun eh.
aunt tess: yeah, i heard about that.
*she looks at me and smiles, and i just looked back with no expression on my face*

mae's my cousin who's been here for almost nine years now. she left the philippines when she just graduated from elementary. young mind she had that time, so it was easier for her to leave things behind. how i wished i left in an age as early as hers. it would have been easier for me to accept this. but then i thought, i wouldn't meet my friends and have an entirely different life if that happened.

at a street in new york, walking with my aunt sonia
aunt: so, what did your friends say when you left?
me: well, ayun. malungkot lahat. i couldn't stop crying for days.
aunt: before you left or after?
me: before.
aunt: ganun talaga, and you're still on college. mas okay malayo pag graduate na kayo kasi you guys really part ways when that time comes.
me: yeah.

nuff said about this one. but i'm glad she understands me.

there were still more conversations and arguments, but i couldn't remember the lines anymore. and it's getting dramatic in here, like a dramatic person that i am. i just hope i could get away with this feeling much sooner.